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Saturday, March 11, 2006

dear mummy

it's been so long since i last felt like i'm worthless to you. really. i thought i'd never have to do such a thing again, but i guess i have to.

everyday when i'm back, you yell at me. you check out on every single thing i've done. i never once talk back to you cos i always know there's really no need for that. and i have that respect for you. i still believe that i'm right.

till today, i can't stand it anymore. when u see that i'm carrying so many bags, the first thing you said was,"i'm going to confiscate your atm card soon."

i held back all my tears. i know, you are trying to tell me that i should not squander. but, i don't think i spend extravagantly today. not at all. i'm buying things that i need for my room. all these that i've bought today cost less than one shirt i buy.

but, that's not the point. my point is, why do you always have to control me? you didn't do that to both brothers. you didn't. don't tell me they are boys and i'm a girl. it just doesn't make much sense. we are all humans. there's nothing(perhaps, most of the things) that i can't do when they can. i believe in equality.

then you will bring up about all the female cousins that i have. in case you didn't notice my reluctance to go to grandma's hse in the past, i just want to tell you, i loathe them quite a bit because of you.

you always compare. be it studies, abilities to cook and whatever things that you can think of, you always compare. you never once thought how i would feel. and in case you don't know again, when i was pri 2, i locked myself in the room after i got home to cry. cos i could never felt myself in you.

perhaps, i'm just an accident baby. and there's no love within, like how i was made. i could always feel bias. i remembered once you told me you are not going to buy birthday cake for me but instead, you'll buy it for vivian(my cousin). it might have sounded like a joke to you, but it was no joke to me. never was. you never knew how hurt i was.

nothing hurt as bad as your words. each and every hurts deep in there. but you never know. you accused me so many times in the past. i remember every one of it. i spoke up but you never listened.

even if it was good results, you never even give praises generously. i always believe that you were trying to tell me that i deserve the results. but, praises are never too many. you never praise me before.

in case you don't know, i still love you and your place in my heart has never changed. but i just hope, i'm there in your heart.

mummy, am i there?

- lots of love
your daughter.

le noir;
9:04 PM